Open Adoption Blog - Latest Comments

Re: “Baby For Adoption”: Our First Scam

Cheryl — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:48:29 -0000

Ten non-scam contacts sounds pretty good to me right now! But I know it's not the same as actually being matched. We're in solidarity with you in the wait.

Re: “Baby For Adoption”: Our First Scam

Andrea — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:39:04 -0000

We've been waiting for a year and have been contacted 20 times... about half of those were scammers. It stinks! The IAC does a great job of pointing out those red flags.

Re: “Baby For Adoption”: Our First Scam

Cheryl — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:25:45 -0000

I think we were scammed by the same person--eventually she did email back and say that she had gone to Cameroon because she thought it would be a fun adventure (with a newborn? when she was homeless in the U.S.?). The story just got better.

I salute your wisdom and patience. Good luck to you too!

Re: “Baby For Adoption”: Our First Scam

Colleen Keirn — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:03:08 -0000

I was also approached to adopt a "bady" that happened to be already born in Cameroon! I responded by pasting some viagara spam into the email. After 2 years of waiting and tons of spam, I'm not worried that this was anything legit. Welcome to the wait, I hope yours isn't long.

Re: Waiting to Adopt: Select A Name for Baby

Michelle Keyes — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 16:55:27 -0000

BabyCenter is also a great resource as your child grows. You can get weekly emails on developmental milestones, what to expect next, or how to deal with specific things your child might be going through.

Re: Children Raised by Lesbian Parents Have Excellent Outcomes

wine aerator — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 11:54:52 -0000

This is a positive information, I am happy to know that there are still people living to change the world.

Re: Why did The Guncles Choose Open Adoption?

Ann Wrixon — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:23:31 -0000

Bill and Scout are so honest about their experience. It saddens me that Gay male and Lesbian adoptive parents still face homophobia, but as you will see from Bill and Scout's story, it is not from birthparents. In fact, their story highlights what extraordinary people birthparents are, and why open adoption is such a good choice for all members of the triad (birthparents, adoptive parents and most importantly the child).

Re: Opening Our Hearts to Open Adoption

Independent Adoption Center — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 11:18:19 -0000

Please note that the Independent Adoption Center is closing for the holidays on the afternoon of December 22nd 2011 and will reopen on January 3rd 2012.
I will return your message when I return in the new year.

Wishing you a festive holiday season!

Erin Grimm
Creative Director of Marketing
Independent Adoption Center
adoptionhelp.org

Re: Opening Our Hearts to Open Adoption

Women — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 11:18:14 -0000

Be alert
to other ways to promote your blog. Make sure you post your latest and
greatest article links to Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Re: In-Depth Information on Adoption Tax Credit

Independent Adoption Center — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 14:58:21 -0000

Re: In-Depth Information on Adoption Tax Credit

karen — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 14:58:00 -0000

Help make the adoption tax credit fully refundable for 2012 and 2013 by going to Change.org and sign the Economic Justice Petition: Make adoption fully refundable for the 2012 and 2013 tax year. Your signature is needed. http://chn.ge/ns07q9

Re: Opening Our Hearts to Open Adoption

Michelle Keyes — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:39:44 -0000

What a great story, thanks for sharing!

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Cheryl — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:20:37 -0000

I'm a writer, so I definitely don't consider language trivial. IAC usually uses the term "birthmother," so I've followed their lead. I heard "first mother" for the first time fairly recently, and I wasn't sure what the difference was. So again, I appreciate your perspective.

I know the baby won't be ours until he or she is born, and until the first mother confirms her decision. (I say "ours" in a nonexclusive way; on some level, the baby will always belong to his or her first mother as well.) If the baby's first mother decides to parent, I believe I'll respect that decision. I know how badly I want to be a mother, so I don't think I could deny another mother's attachment to her child, even though I would be devastated.

I know that loss is inherently part of the process of open adoption--either way, someone goes home without a baby. It's strange and difficult to think that my joy might come at the first mother's expense, or that her joy--if she decides to parent--will come at my expense. The only thing that helps me through this reality is the knowledge that either way, the baby will go home with someone who loves him or her deeply.

Re: Son of Lesbian Mothers Speaks Out Against Iowa’s Legislation to Ban Gay Marriage

Bonnie — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:57:48 -0000

At least he can speak intelligently with proper grammar.

Re: Midlife Parenting

Michelle Keyes — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:03:43 -0000

Thank you for sharing and being honest with us! It's great to hear the reality in your story.

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Michelle Keyes — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:59:50 -0000

Wonderful article! Thanks so much for sharing!

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Coco Rogers — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:55:55 -0000

Cheryl, I'm glad you recognize that there will be ongoing grief. Since you're interested in the perspective of first mothers, and in being an advocate for adoption education, I'd like to say that among us moms, it is mostly considered disrespectful to refer to the first mother of your adopted child as "your/our birth mother". She is your child's first mother. Additionally, a pregnant woman considering adoption is not yet a "birth" or first mother. She hasn't relinquished her rights yet. A more accurate way to talk about her is simply as an expectant mother. Even if she's promised not to change her mind. Even if she's sworn up and down that she is not ready to be a mother. Even if she insists that the baby she is carrying is yours. Even if she refers to herself as a "birth mother".

These may seem like trivial distinctions to you, but language is important. Choosing your terms with care, and understanding why what seems harmless you you can be so hurtful to first mothers reinforces that you really respect this woman as a mother, and a person, and you intend to honor her decisions even if the outcome is not what you hoped.

Thanks for listening.

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Cheryl — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:55:24 -0000

Coco: Thanks for sharing your story. Imagining what a hypothetical birthmother might be going through is no substitute for hearing from actual birthmothers. The fact of very real and ongoing grief on the part of the birthmother who chooses us will be something that Cecilia and I--and our birthmother and child--will have to deal with as a family, one step at a time. My goal isn't to equate my own suffering with that of a woman who isn't able to parent her child; I'm just trying to understand, and the best place I can begin that process is with my own experience.

Ani: Thanks for adding the adoptee perspective. I absolutely agree that adopted kids should get to know their birthfathers if at all possible, which is why IAC strongly encourages birthmothers to notify the fathers of their children. My point was only that (some) birthmothers have a complicated relationship with the fathers. I'm sure there are non-adoptees who would like to know more about their fathers too.

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Coco Rogers — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:08:31 -0000

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your twins. As a first mother, however, there are a lot of items in your post that distress me. Comparing your experience as a couple hoping to adopt with that of a pregnant woman who is very likely in a crisis situation with little support is oversimplifying at best. While I do know several first mom friends who were eventually able to achieve goals such as a college degree, the majority of the moms I know have experienced ongoing grief for their relinquished children. Yes, even those with open adoptions and good relationships. My daughter is 19 now. I miss her, even though we are in close contact. I have forever separated my children. I have had severe panic attacks related to the guilt and sadness I experience over adoption. I wasn't thinking about starting a business when I gave her up. I was alone and desperate. I didn't plan to get pregnant, but I sang to my baby as she kicked inside me. I ate ten thousand bananas and drank a river of milk because she craved them. I named her. I held her the second after she was born, and she touched my face. I wanted her. I just had no support, and I thought I had no choices.

I don't bear ill will toward her adoptive family. They are nice people. They've done their best. They love her. I have a good life. But none of that changes the fact that I wish I had chosen to parent her instead. If you really care about the hypothetical woman you're writing to, I hope you'll encourage her to really explore all of her options for parenting. Because my experience is not an isolated one.

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

ani — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:04:54 -0000

The birthfather comment tells me you need to do allot of reading by adoptees. I am adopted,, its always about everyone else but us. My Dad may be an asshole but it's my decision to know him know that I am an adult. No one has the right to keep that info from me. How dare they. Our rights as adoptees are so fucked up. What makes me any different then a unadopted child. There is no difference but because I am adopted my rights are taken away. Pathetic. Adoptive parents that support this have no right adopting and your comment about letting the birthfather out of the picture concerns me.

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Leslie — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:00:47 -0000

Beautiful.

Re: IAC Introduces Tomasa Duenas, Open Adoption Counselor

Lin — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:25:52 -0000

How come all the pictures on this webite only depict female kids?

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Bedwelladopt — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:59:09 -0000

Love it! Best wishes to the two of you!

Re: Ten Things Adoptive Parents and Birthmoms Have in Common

Ann Wrixon — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:38:05 -0000

Amazing article!!!!!!!

Re: Birthmother’s Day: May 8th, 2010

Imdancerd — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:52:30 -0000

There's a thorny issue of what 'mom' means. Inevitibly it seems, when people find out that my birthdaughter was adopted, still insist on saying that I'm her mom, because I'm the one who gave birth to her. But I don't feel like a mom-I didn't wake up in the night with her as an infant, I don't take her to school every day, or do any of the thousands of other things that make your mom, well, your mom. She's turning five this week, and she knows that she came from me. Her parents truly embrace our open adoption, and they are a part of our family now. But they are still her parents. I gave birth to her, I love her more than I can say, but I'm her birthmom, not her mom. I'm a child of divorce myself, and my biological father wanted nothing to do with me as a child. My mother's second husband adopted me when I was five, and he is my dad.